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Thursday, 18 March 2010

The 13 Worst Movies Ever
13. The Happening (Dir. M. Night Shyamalan)
What the hell was that all about. Was it the Wind? Was it the Plants? Was it Mark Wahlbergs acting? A film that makes no sense and almost destroyed the careers of everyone involved. Shyamalan would later try and defend Wahlberg and Deschanel's 'acting' as a throwback to disaster movies of late and work quite well!  Everybody else dis-agreed and is now on most lists of worst movies ever.

12. The Avengers (Dir. Jeremiah Chechik)
Sean Connery in a teddy bear suit. Yup its that bad. Panned by more or less everyone this misfire of a movie has nothing going for it, rubbish performances, a plot that any primary school student could come up with, horrific effects and lazy screenwriting make it a turkey to be reckoned with.

11. Jaws: The Revenge (Dir. Joseph Sargent)
Michael Caine once said about this 'I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific'. This great quote is the best thing to remember about the film, there is nothing to remember about film itself. Avoid. Do not Watch. Beach Closed by order Amity P.D.

10. Date Movie (Dir. Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg)
It took two talentless nobodies to create this unfunny, un-watchable mess of a movie. I'd include the other *add title* Movies to the list but after watching this I've avoided them like the plague. While watching this I actually found myself watching dry paint on a wall, not watching it dry, just watching it. I'd rate that higher than this piece if shit movie.

9. Southland Tales (Dir Richard Kelly)
From the guy who brought you Donnie Darko, so I was expecting weird. I wasn't expecting one of the most baffling (in a very bad way) movies I've ever watched. It makes no sense and was laughed out of Cannes where it premièred. The response from the director, 'You have to read the graphic novel I wrote to really understand the film'. REALLY? I have to read your piece of crap comic to understand this piece of crap film? I did and it still didn't make any fucking sense.

8. Ultraviolet (Dir, Kurt Wimmer)
What. The. Hell. I have no idea what is going on in this film, I think it has something to do with Vampires and shiny clothes. Imagine watching The Clothes Show with swords with a migrane and you might have some idea of how painful it was to watch it. One of the few films I actually turned off and refused to watch.

7. Raging Bull (Dir. Martin Scorsese)
I always struggle to find anyone who agrees with me on this one, so I think I'm on my own. I don't know if it's the film I find irritating or Robert DeNiro's over acting. A bit of both would be the safe answer. The Story of a boxer that has troubles, sorry seen it all before only better made plus making it in black and white holds no creative plus point. The scene where DeNiro bangs his head against a wall is one of the funniest scenes ever but for all the wrong reasons.

6. ElizabethTown (Dir. Cameron Crowe)
This is awful right from the start. Orlando Bloom just comes off as a cocky, arrogant wanker and your glad he gets fired. Kirsten Dunst is more or less the same but with more unnecessary kooky-ness. In order to pan out the last half an hour Crowe just basically plays a mix-tape with Bloom in a car?! No talent there, its in every other music video ever made and that's the problem, the film doesn't know what it is, but I do. Its rubbish.

5. Batman And Robin (Dir. Joel Schumacher)
When held up against Christopher Nolan's Batman's its easy to see why this is in the list but even without Nolans movies it has to be here. Clooney playing Bruce Wayne like some sort of James Bond character, Arnie being just awful as Mr Freeze (and it pains me to say that), ridiculous set-pieces, shite dialogue and of course the batsuit nipples. If Lady Gaga made movies, she'd make Batman and Robin.

4. Death Proof (Dir. Quentin Tarantino)
An hour and a half half of women talking like Quentin Tarantino and a half hour car chase. Nothing much happens, the characters are irritating and the whole thing makes you want to get up, leave, then come back when something interesting occurs (which it never does). Its Tarantino up his own arse thinking he can make any movie he wants. Boring, Dull and unimpressive, watch Planet Terror rather than this garbage.

3. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (Dir. George Lucas aka Franchise Killer)
The excitement, the suspense, the euphoric sight of the starting credits. Its here the new Star Wars movie! 136mins later and its the end theme from the Incredible Hulk and a slow walk past B&Q. Lucas killed millions of Star Wars fans hearts with this turgid, toy story of a film aimed directly at children under 10 and made specifically to sell toys. Feel your heart sink as you hear Anakin say 'Yipee' and everytime Jar-Jar appears. People hate Jar-Jar most about this film, I don't, Its George Lucas by a country mile

2. The Love Guru (Dir. Marco Schnabel)
Dear God, where to start on this one. I've really not one solitary good thing to say about this film, and it looks like nobody else does either. Irritating doesn't even come close, neither does annoying, obnoxious, grating or any other word in planet Earths language. How are people allowed to make such rubbish? Who read this and thought it was any good? Ben Kingsley, what are you doing in this?! If you have a choice of sleeping in a sewer for a year or watching this, choose the sewer. Everytime.

1. Any Hugh Grant Movie
Anyone who has watched a Hugh Grant movie, bow your head in shame. This guy openly says that he can't act and only knows how to play himself on film. I'm sorry but your not an actor then are you?!? A man who has made every other country on earth believe we are bumbling, stuttering posh idiots. The same role over and over and over again, Christ he gets paid for this. I hate this guy and everything he does or is attached to. There are great actors out there who put real effort into work, spend months getting into character for a role and this prick just turns up, stutters, and goes to cash his cheque. That and receive blow-jobs from ugly prostitutes. Classy guy.

I know I've missed a lot of really poor movies but the list is based on the ones that took themselves seriously. If you've anymore to add, comments as always below.


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